What's REALLY On Kakashi's Mind

[Gaara of the Sand]

I came to a conversation in the cbox going on about government and politics. I recently wrote a sonnet about America's "freedom", and how we as citizens (of the USA) are so-called "free".

Here goes... *clears throat*

Give Me My Freedom...Or Get Me Out

Sometimes I want to just get up and fly
Because life down here is just seems so unfair
Stretch my hopeful wings into the bright sky
When things get rough, we dont think we can bear.
Everybody thinks they are still born free,
But being free-born ended long ago
But some know that we are not, some like me.
Now the government is our only foe.
We live under the illusion of peace,
We live under a Republic, truly...
Would take a miracle for my caprice.
"Democracy!" we think just so fooly,
Give me my said freedom...or get me out,
America is down a cold-blooded route




Basically a vent...poem-style! xD
Open to constructive criticism or any props!

[Haku]

where would you go and cold blooded why?

[Gaara of the Sand]

Out of America, or at least somewhere where its not as obvious of how warped the government has become...like the Caribbean.

Also, cold-blooded, one because I needed syllables (XD), two because America has become so warped. The government is a warped, twisted, cult-like hellhole that people of that profession fall into. We're a republic. Not a democracy anymore. We used to be, but not now. Heck, we're not even a democratic republic as they've altered the saying to fit. If we were really democratic, the majority of the people being affected by the healthcare reform bill would have voted on it instead of only politicians and bigwigs. I'm not saying I know how to run a country, but I sure as hell know its not like they are now. xD

[tenten]

Hmm~ from what I can tell, it's got a fairly clear rhyming scheme, and you follow it well, as well as with the rhyming couplet at the end to top it off. [basically, abab cc rhyming scheme, though yours is abab cdcd efef gg... yeah.] The syllable repetition is pretty neat as well.

Although, I hate to be picky, "fooly" isn't a word. I think you were looking for "foolishly", but to keep your syllable scheme that would be too many syllables. In order to make it fit you might have to find some way [through synonyms] to cut out a syllable or two to make another word fit there.

That's really all I can think of. o.o I almost wanna attempt to annotate this damn thing... xD [cause that's how I roll.]

EDIT: And you could ttly tell me how accurate I am with my annotations, too. ^______^

[Gaara of the Sand]

XD.
as far as the "fooly" thing goes, I know its not a word, but I needed to keep the syllables in check, so I went to the teacher and was like "can I put this..."word" in it?"

and she gave me one of those looks like "you and Andi are tied for top of this class...why would you even bother asking?" so I was like "...okay then, just checking >_>"

XDD. yes, I can tell how accurate. lol